


got to get it in my head; i’ll never be sixteen again

by spacefilledeyes



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Bittersweet, Character Study, Coming of Age, M/M, Unrequited Love, lance especially lmao, most characters are barely mentioned bro, ocs are involved, probably OOC James, probably OOC everyone tbh, this is James getting a fucking backstory, very slightly implied klance that can be ignored
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 07:32:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17402669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacefilledeyes/pseuds/spacefilledeyes
Summary: James Griffin was a kid when he met Keith Kogane, the weirdo loner in half of his classes at his middle school. He did not expect Keith to really matter at all: James didn’t like him, and they didn’t talk, and that was that.That was not that. James was wrong.—A character study of James Griffin, from beginning to end. Well, not really. Just from the beginning of his relationship with Keith to the end of it.





	got to get it in my head; i’ll never be sixteen again

**Author's Note:**

> this was not going to be posted when I first wrote it post s7. it was me experimenting with writing something outside of my confort zone. i thought it would be bad, and honestly I think I was kinda half right, because this isn’t the best. but i thought I would post it, because Voltron is over and it’s been sitting in my google docs app for months. enjoy ig

Scars are something everybody has. No one has smooth, unmarked skin over their entire body after just a few years of being alive. Souls are no different. They start smooth and untouched, and warp and change and grow with a person as they age. Scars on the soul are invisible, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not there. 

—

James was twelve when Takashi Shirogane, his long-time hero and star pilot at the nearby Galaxy Garrison, visited his middle school on a routine recruiting trip. Needless to say, James was ecstatic to have a chance to prove himself. For years he had worked tirelessly to be good enough for the Garrison, and he thought it was coming to pass when he not only held one of the top scores in his class for the simulator (the best score, actually, behind weird Keith Kogane, who was so strange and antisocial James didn’t really think he counted), but also had a personal recommendation to Shiro’s face from his teacher! 

There was a shattering feeling in James’ chest when Shirogane regarded him and immediately asked about Keith Kogane. 

—

A few months later when the new school year started, James still held on to the resentment he had gained that day for Keith. The boy had stolen Shirogane’s car and yet still ended up all buddy-buddy with the senior officer. It was so unfair. 

And not only that, but Keith just loved to push the instructors’ buttons during sims and classes. He was the epitome of a burnout bad boy, which wouldn’t be so infuriating if Keith wasn’t actually the prodigy of the fucking century without even trying. 

It’s that line of thinking that led James into antagonizing Keith whenever he can. Keith can have everything else, but he can’t have James’ kindness. 

In the hallway, a slightly-louder-than-normal voice as James informed a classmate that Keith had a juvenile criminal record. 

In the back of class, a mocking comment when Keith got stuck on his calculus. 

In the lunchroom, blatantly cutting in front of Keith in the line and ignoring his very presence, talking over Keith’s interjections that everybody starts at the back of the line. 

In the post-sim lineup, when James was insulting Keith’s parents— probably rich stuck-ups that babied Keith, no doubt— was when the kid snapped.

James was on the floor with his cheek throbbing and Keith above him before he even knew what had just happened. In the next second, instructors were pulling the shorter boy off of him and they were separately escorted down to receive evaluation and possible punishment. 

James got off with a warning but no punishment, as he technically didn’t participate in any fighting. James allowed himself to think that Keith deserved this little bit of bad luck with everything else he’s got. 

—

After that, Keith visibly ignored James, going out of his way to avoid the other cadet. This was the worst thing he could have done in James’ eyes because he desperately wanted this tiny bit of power he had over Keith, who was quickly becoming the best pilot in their entire class. 

The taunts got worse and worse until Keith snapped once more, James had a black eye, and the cycle repeated. Keith started separating severely not only from James, but from their entire class. James tried to ignore the small inkling of guilt. It wasn’t his fault if Keith didn’t know how to interact with people. 

James wasn’t the only one antagonizing Keith, as he soon learned. He was probably the one that took it farthest, but many people took interest in the loner hotshot. 

Including one Lance McClain. 

Lance was a Cuban boy here in the States on a visa who spoke with a slight accent and loved to flirt but didn’t seem to enjoy actually following through. People saw him as a goofball, a write-off, really. Just like they pegged James the stereotypical bully and moved on to putting someone else in a box. 

But James saw the kindness and the light-hearted companionship Lance offered his friends. James saw the way Lance stared at the back of Keith’s head in class with interest and slight awe, the way Lance smiled at Keith in the hallways despite never getting anything more than a glare in return.

And James hated what he saw. 

He continued to up the ante on Keith. He wanted, no, he needed to be the center of the other boy’s attention as much as possible. 

Two weeks later, news of the Kerberos failure broke, and Keith was gone, as if he’d never been there in the first place. 

Except, he had to have been there, right? James didn’t talk about the prodigy-turned-dropout, and no one else did, either, as if his name alone was taboo. Occasionally, James overheard a whisper in the corridors, or saw someone hesitate before sitting in a seat that used to be his. But it was like he died. 

James tried to forget about his (no longer) classmate, and succeeded for a while. Classes got more tough. Puberty got more awkward. Piloting sims got more frustrating.

—

Three cadets disappeared, and James knew that they were all in his year, his classmates, but he didn’t quite have the emotional capacity yet to care, not even when they were declared dead and a senior communications specialist broke down in front of the class she was assisting a teacher in. 

James made friends as he became less known as Keith Kogane’s bully and more known as a fighter pilot with sharp skills and a lot of promise. Other pilots, and his comm. spec and engineer. The growth of his social circle forced James into the emotional and mental version of a growth spurt. 

There was an engineer who was on one of his friend’s, Ryan’s team. James took a liking to him— his name was Charlie, but his friends, James included, called him Lee. It was probably a bit strange to his other friends how quickly James and Lee became close, because at the time James was still a fairly closed off person. 

Lee had ashy blonde hair that fell in his eyes and stayed close cropped on the sides, blue-grey eyes, and freckles across his pale skin. He was tall, and friendly, and his smile lit up feelings in James’ chest like stars in the night sky. 

It was a pretty belated gay awakening, in hindsight. James had never really been into girls, always assuming he was a late bloomer, and the realization that he was as straight as a circle slapped him in the face. 

At first, James had a panic attack in the solitude of his otherwise abandoned dorm room. He faked sick for two days in a row after just to avoid seeing Lee. But James wouldn’t let anything, even a sexuality crisis, harm his scores, so he was back to classes on the third day. 

He avoided Lee anyways. 

James could tell by the texts, the messages passed on by mutual friends, the hurt looks and confused glances, that Lee was in pain because of him and his problems. He still took the coward’s way out and ignored the growing rift until he couldn’t anymore. 

Ryan confronted him after classes after about a week of ignoring. James had never seen Ryan so expressive, and the lecture that he received probably included more words that all of the other times James had heard Ryan speak combined. 

All he said were things that James already registered, but with a strong push to resolve the problem. 

“Lee doesn’t know what happened to make you avoid him and most of us by proxy, but it’s hurting him, and I know you care about him enough to not want that. I know you have some issues with emotions, but if you don’t communicate with others, you won’t have a single relationship with another human being work out in your entire lifetime. You’ve got to suck it up and talk out whatever issues you’re having. And while you’re at it, start accepting whatever the hell it is you’re feeling instead of repressing all that shit. It’s unhealthy.” 

James took the advice and worked it out with Lee. The two of them sat down, and James confessed that he had romantic feelings for Lee and that he had been dealing with some gay panic lately. 

Lee laughed and smiled that starry smile and said that a gay panic was super funny, and that while he would be open to a relationship in other circumstances, he wasn’t ready for anything with anyone. 

Of course, after liking someone enough that they’re your gay awakening, it’s hard to not feel disappointed when you’re rejected, but James took Ryan’s advice and swallowed it down. Really, he probably wasn’t ready for a relationship either: some of his less savory habits still remained, and he was about as emotionally competent as a donut. 

There were apologies on both sides, but mostly from James. Things went back to normal, somehow. 

James found himself having a lot of deep talks with Lee after that conversation. Lee was willing to listen, and care, and slap James across the face when he was being awful, so he was kind of exactly what James needed. 

After the whole self-discovery thing was over and done with (hopefully), James considered himself more in tune with his own feelings and how to cope with them. He read self care and self help books semi-regularly and tried to meditate when the stress was threatening to overtake him. He tried to confront his inner demons and repressed thoughts and better himself. 

One of those inner demons was Keith Kogane. 

By the time James addressed his past with the long-gone cadet, it had been years since he had last seen the other, so he still imagined Keith’s cheeks chubby with baby fat and his face littered with pimples and concentration. 

Concentration with what? With ignoring James, with schoolwork, with Shiro’s death, with his lack of friends? 

James realized he didn’t really ever know Keith Kogane. James finally admitted to himself that everything he had done to Keith— the taunts and bullying, the antagonizing and gossiping, the glares and social torture— none of it was worth it and none of it had been okay. It created a moral dilemma within him, a spiral of guilt that he barely managed to climb out of whenever he fell in. 

And something else was realized, quietly, in the back of James’ mind, that Keith was an embodiment of James’ jealousy and insecurity in his younger years, but also of his desire. 

Because James wanted to know Keith Kogane. James wanted to know what he looked like when he was frustrated on calculus and couldn’t understand and James helped him with the solution. James wanted to hold Keith and stroke through that unkempt black hair as the younger complained about that dick that cut him in line in the cafeteria. James wanted to be the one who held Keith as he grieved Shiro, because odds were no one else did. James wanted to be the sole focus of that purple-eyed, intense stare. James wanted to be the only one that Keith graced with those small, half-tilt smiles and smirks. James wanted all of it and more. 

James cursed himself for never giving himself the chance at that. That his dumb, hormone-driven self was so emotionally constipated he couldn’t handle anything, and he took it out on a kid. Someone the same age as him with his own set of problems. 

A lot of his nights were spent regretting and wondering about what-ifs. Unresolved-but-pretty-much-resolved problems were the worst kind, in James’ eyes, because you have no reason to still want closure, but you want it desperately anyway. 

He didn’t really tell any of his friends the real extent of his feelings, not even Lee. They probably didn’t even notice there was something that ate away at James so completely. 

James’ friend group was made up of other fighter pilots and their crews, plus his own crew. He’d spent years trying to distance himself from the title he’d had as a kid: bully. Sometimes, there would be gossip through the halls, a bad day, or a nostalgic conversation about their younger years, though, and James learned nothing ever really goes away. 

He became a senior cadet and got inducted into a secret training program with really advanced tech and a lot of secrets. He learned that Keith was alive, and so were the three cadets declared dead and Takashi Shirogane. He dealt with the possibility that maybe Keith wasn’t so much a ghost of his past after all. 

—

Keith came back into James’ orbit the opposite way he had left it. Several years ago, Keith had simply...faded. Disappeared from the lives of everyone and no one at once. When James ventured into the city with his team to retrieve the paladins, seeing Keith older and more mature was like being bathed in a rainbow of color after only seeing grey for his entire life. It felt like that and every other vaguely gay metaphor James could think of.

There wasn’t much time to chit chat, especially with the leader of Voltron, until Sendak was gone and Keith was recovering in the Garrison hospital. James did the same thing he had done for Lee and sucked it up, took a deep breath, and confronted his problem. 

—

“Uh… hey, man,” James started, eloquent as ever, standing in the doorway to Keith’s hospital room. Keith’s scary alien mom was there with a vaguely similar alien, and gave him a glare. Keith placed a hand on her wrist and she exited begrudgingly, but not without bumping into him on purpose like a high school jock. 

Not that he didn’t deserve it. He was her kid’s childhood bully. 

“Hey,” Keith replied once the room was free of rebel aliens, Keith excluded, “did you want to talk about anything?” 

James couldn’t help his mouth twitching into the troubled frown he often wore when feeling upset. He could tell Keith was on guard, his voice closed off, and he knew it was his own doing, but it stung anyways. 

“Yeah, actually.” James took the unoccupied chair at Keith’s bedside and dragged it a respectful distance away before sitting down. Keith shifted into a completely upright position. 

“What is it?” Keith asked, somewhat suspicious, somewhat awkward. 

James looked down at his hands. He expected to find them shaking, but they were still. Resolute. 

“I wanted to apologize,” James looked up into Keith’s eyes to make it as sincere as possible, and didn’t let him interrupt before soldiering on, “the way I treated you back in your Garrison days was wrong. I know now a lot more about myself and why I was such a jackass, but it doesn’t excuse that I was a bully to you when we— when you were really young, and I didn’t know anything about you.” 

Keith was looking at him with confusion and something else, maybe acceptance. He didn’t say anything, so James continued. 

“I was really jealous the day that Shirogane came to our middle school and immediately seemed taken with you, even after you stole his car. It had always been my dream to get into the Garrison and prove myself, you know? I just felt like it wasn’t fair when you flew through everything with minimal effort and I had to work so hard. And I, well, I’m gay, and I realize in hindsight I had a thing for you and I dealt with it in the completely wrong way. It wasn’t fair to you and I should have tried to be your friend. None of those reasons will ever make it okay, but you still deserve to know, I guess.” James rambled, and fiddled with his hands, and glanced from Keith to a fixed point on the wall to Keith again. 

Every second he had to fight the instinct to regress, to protect himself, to stop being so vulnerable. It was hard to open up, especially about something James kept so deeply buried. It felt like showing someone all the worst parts of you, knowing that whatever they’re seeing isn’t pretty. 

“Okay.” 

James’ eyes snapped back to the man in the hospital bed. The man who was really different from the unstable kid James had known as a preteen. 

Keith stared back at him with a calculating look in his eyes, then admitted, “Yeah, what you did was shitty and bullies in general suck, but you’re not the same person you were five years ago. I’m not, either. I can forgive you and move on— I already have, actually. I respect you telling me what you did, though.” 

Keith averted his eyes then, glancing at the communicator next to his hip. It was lighting up with some message, but James didn’t try to read it for privacy’s sake. A soft smile invaded his face, and if James had seen that look on a younger Kogane’s face, he would have thought he was hallucinating. On an older Keith, it seemed fitting— like it belonged. 

James realized that Keith was probably still a private person and he shouldn’t stare at his former crush and victim’s probably-lovestruck smile after talking to him about all of the horrible things he’s done, so he silently removed himself from the room. 

He got his closure. There was a scar where a wound used to be. When James was twelve and felt that first flare of envy, the wound was cut into him. When he tortured Keith in the Garrison halls, it leaked blood and opened wider. In the years following his disappearance, it felt like a festering cut, unable to heal properly. Lee and James’ own growth helped the wound to be cleaned and stitched up. And now, with James walking away from a hospital room and a person he never really knew and never really would, James finally felt like it was scarred over. 

It would remain there forever, a mark to remind him of his past. There was no way to remove it. But it didn’t hurt anymore, and that was enough.


End file.
